Suzy Devere

TEXT AS BRIDGE; THE NEW OLD LOVE LETTER

Before writing back I thought a lot about what your wife, whom you love, would say were she to read my response. You see, you know your relationship with her and you know me, but she only knows you. I thought about what I owe her as a person, and what I owe myself. I thought about what men offer me, versus what I want, and what I feel I deserve. And this is what comes for me to say:

I've been alone a long time. And I am lonely. I'd be lying to you if I didn't admit that I've thought of you more than once the way you were thinking of me last night. I have. In fact, I am laughing as I write this next statement, because it sounds ridiculous, but it's true: I think of you as arguably the hottest sex I've ever had. I think less crudely of it than it sounds...I actually--in my mind--associate you with the "best lover" rather than the word "sex."

I've wondered what happened and why we never really went out in a substantial way. I mean, I don't remember ANYTHING specific. I'm sure it was a screwed up situation somehow, and if it was my typical situation, then I was completely nuts and lost and never could find equilibrium. I don't even remember us having sex...maybe we didn't! It seems like we did, but you know, I just can't remember. What I do remember is hearing your voice in my ear. You telling me what to do. Telling me what you wanted. And your warmth and your kiss. And...like I said, it's not a specific anything except once we may have been in your bedroom and I think I remember you pushing me up against the wall and ...

So my memories of you are like that. It is a vague warmth and shiver, all the way down. It is the way an old woman remembers her first love. And in my situation, I think "What the hell was I thinking? What was wrong with me? How did I miss that?"

You had a girlfriend, I think. Maybe I was with someone else but I think I was with too many people and that may have been the problem for you. If you remember, you can tell me. Help me to remember. But weirdly, what I remember most is what I told you above, and your dad. I really loved that guy. Wanted to be in your family. I think of you standing right next to him, showing me where I could stay? And feeling so taken care of by you.

I'm so glad we are in touch again. And I know your drunk text is just fun and NOT a big deal. I'm not taking it as a big deal but as the fun you intended and love that you do think of me. However, the difference is that I don't have anyone to chase the drink of memory down with.

You were loved!

[editor's favorite, 2013]

CP

Suzy Devere appears and disappears seemingly at will. She could be camping in the underground right now, or back in Pattaya, sitting in a rattan chair at a bar overlooking the harbor, having drinks with some old ghosts of Vietnam.

Suzy Devere

magic

i am thinking of magic
it is
a beautiful sound i can taste

lay atop and feel the sound dim
distant like the heavy hungarian crystal hanging overhead
or soft like the flesh between
your thighs
no need to pause in slow motion
it is all
magnification and
backing away

magic

 

 

MEMORIES CAN EAT YOUR SOUL

boxers with flowers and some with bones, a sunny saturday, maybe these are your weekend pair. some with the words "suicide" making a pattern all over. another pair with morrissey. a day without anything new and yet, there it is, written all over you. the music coming from the kitchen is like the music i heard the first time we kissed and i'm grateful it isn't shit. we kissed and there was nothing magical, it was only magic because there was nothing--no emotion--to swallow me. you let me be. you felt nothing.

you wanted to love me and i wanted to love you. we remember none of it now without pain or the itch of wool, and a little shake of the head...

it is a memory like the class you never passed in high school. like the train you missed to the airport. like the bike someone stole in austria, leaving you no way to get back to france. you shake your head when you think of us.

and like a disease i almost died from, that no one could identify, that ate my very muscles off my bones and turned my face grey, i think of you.

CP

Suzy Devere appears and disappears seemingly at will. She could be camping in the underground right now, or back in Pattaya, sitting in a rattan chair at a bar overlooking the harbor, having drinks with some old ghosts of Vietnam.

Suzy Devere

 

Tulips and Tourniquets

And you are before me with a twitching eye and something else that tells me you aren't comfortable...haven't been comfortable for a hundred years. Since the dogs stopped fucking next door and bit the ear off the little girl who was picking the tulip in the yard while your mother was boiling water for tea. Since the stars were constellations you wanted to know the names of, you haven't been comfortable with me. Because you know I ache. It starts when I open my eyes and realize we are still together, and that the day will bring minutes that we'll spend together. Our lives will be about taking my medicine on time and getting the insurance forms filled out right so the adjustments don't come back to us over and over again, like Australian boomerangs. You want me to feel loved. I want you to go away because my body aches from ills too numerous to list and my heart aches from falling out of love with you. Our long night—another in a string of many that will last until you become too tired to care for me, or I die—will start after Charlie's Angels re-runs and Dairy Queen, because a shake is all I can get down. We will never again be lovers, and I want to be small so you cannot see me in this bed of white bleached sheets and spit towels. I ache. And I don't want you to watch it.

CP

Suzy Devere appears and disappears seemingly at will. She could be camping in the underground right now, or back in Pattaya, sitting in a rattan chair at a bar overlooking the harbor, having drinks with some old ghosts of Vietnam.

Suzy Devere

WHAT I NEED

I will write it down, this fear—this dread—so it can remind me,
when i'm rattling off
the long list of things i want
that none of it is what i need

not the shoes or dresses
purses, flowers, windows, doors
definitely not the liquor
perfumed soaps
or drugs

what i need is to ditch this fear

like i knew enough to ditch you.

WIT HUMOR CUNNING

like a serrated knife
when you're under it

twisting

black handle like a mountain
crowding out the sun

but next to
or on top of

it glistens and shines.
it's a beautiful modern day woman's
blessing and disguise.

still, underneath?

well, it's bloody down here.

CP

Suzy Devere appears and disappears seemingly at will. She could be camping in the underground right now, or back in Pattaya, sitting in a rattan chair in a bar overlooking the harbor, having drinks with some old ghosts of Vietnam.

Suzy Devere

fixation with here

the hum of the air conditioner keeps me company when you're away and the sound of the crickets is the sound of your fingers on the keyboard in the next room while i sleep. there is no food network in my world and i don't like reality tv. you're just away for a little while, and then you'll be back. i make sure there's room for you in bed and take the big pillow off your side as well as mine. i've got a few empty drawers for your things. i imagine you. i invent you. i don't know you. you aren't coming back. you've never been here. everything lately involves the word "here" and i think that means that sense of place for me is tied to a word, which is itself transient.

CP

Suzy Devere appears and disappears seemingly at will. She could be camping in the underground right now, or back in Pattaya, sitting in a rattan chair in a bar overlooking the harbor, having drinks with some old ghosts of Vietnam.

Suzy Devere

SOMEWHERE NEW

i will live somewhere new
without you.

no dogs.
no babies.
no pigs
hogs
horses
or goats.

lots of flowers
and weeds
and trees
dirt
hills
pebbles
and
bricks.

i will live somewhere new
that we have never been together.

a place with patio
or a back stoop
maybe even a front
porch...

the important thing
is i will live somewhere new.

without you.

CP

Suzy Devere has been many things to many people. Her work has appeared in various on-line venues, including Black-Listed and 3:00 AM. She has lived all over the world but right now lives next door to you.

Suzy Devere

ANGST ON A SHELF

You come over to

get me and I

stand

boldly

in front of that shelf

full of

books I know I'll introduce you to,

and photos we'll talk about,

and angst that will climb on top of me

and strangle us both

at some point.


I grab my hat and a

lucky penny;

out we go.


CP

Suzy Devere is a prostitute, a drug addict, a Dr.'s wife, a Lawyer's wife, a mistress to a famous Saudi Sheik, a mother, an intellectual, an academic, an athlete, a painter, a drawer, a photographer, and writer who feels utterly, stunningly alone. Her work has appeared in various sites on-line including Black-Listed and 3:00 AM. Suzy has lived all over the world but right now lives next door to you.

Suzy Devere

TIPTOE BABY

tiptoe
tiptoe baby

be loud
about me

but
quiet
about leaving

**
whistle
whistle sweetheart

then hold your
breath a little longer

don't
waste it
on reasons why

**

tap dance darling

stick to that
sweet
soft shoe

and i say

halleluja
for the
short goodbye

**

it's a slow
dark night

and you may
never
be missed

CP

Suzy Devere is a prostitute, a drug addict, a Dr.'s wife, a Lawyer's wife, a mistress to a famous Saudi Sheik, a mother, an intellectual, an academic, an athlete, a painter, a drawer, a photographer, and writer who feels utterly, stunningly alone. Her work has appeared in various sites on-line including Black-Listed and 3:00 AM. Suzy has lived all over the world but right now lives next door to you.

Suzy Devere

DARE TO DREAM

i hear him again and he's gone
again

i thought i'd left all this behind
and goddamnit if it isn't just right here
waiting for me

waiting to greet me
at the threshold of this
front-fucking-door

misery really is a constant lover

another reason
to hate it so much

CP

Suzy Devere is a prostitute, a drug addict, a Dr.'s wife, a Lawyer's wife, a mistress to a famous Saudi Sheik, a mother, an intellectual, an academic, an athlete, a painter, a drawer, a photographer, and writer who feels utterly, stunningly alone. Her work has appeared in various sites on-line including Black-Listed and 3:00 AM. Suzy has lived all over the world but right now lives next door to you.

Suzy Devere

HOW IT GOES

when you are tired of women who are not enough
you will find me

but you will say i am too much
and you will look for less

and then you will meet someone you barely know
who keeps her mouth shut
and you will get her pregnant
and then you'll have a family
and maybe a wife
and then you'll hate your wife
when she starts to open her mouth

and you will look for someone else
more
or
less

BLACK STRIP

UNREQUITED LOVE HAS FINALLY PLACED A BLACK
STRIP ACROSS YOUR FACE IN MY MIND

ITS SINGLE MERCIFUL ACT

I CAN NO LONGER DISTINGUISH YOU
FROM ANYONE ELSE WHO NEVER LOVED ME


CP

Suzy Devere is a prostitute, a drug addict, a Dr.'s wife, a Lawyer's wife, a mistress to a famous Saudi Sheik, a mother, an intellectual, an academic, an athlete, a painter, a drawer, a photographer, and writer who feels utterly, stunningly alone. Her work has appeared in various sites on-line including Black-Listed and 3:00 AM. Suzy has lived all over the world but right now lives next door to you.

Suzy Devere

when i draw you

when i draw you
i will use scant
line

my hand will
make marks
described as
'barely there'

and it will be
like we're used to

me looking
working
and you
walking away

CP

Suzy Devere is a prostitute, a drug addict, a Dr.'s wife, a Lawyer's wife, a mistress to a famous Saudi Sheikh, a mother, an intellectual, an academic, an athlete, a painter, a drawer, a photographer, and writer who feels utterly, stunningly alone. Her work has appeared in various sites on-line including Black-Listed and 3:00 AM Magazine. Suzy has lived all over the world but right now lives next door to you.