DsD

I SHOULD STILL FEEL AWFUL

I'm kind of schizophrenic, I guess, cause today I feel really pretty good. I feel sexy and hot, I want to go put the kids in front of a movie so I can masturbate. I want him. I want him to be home to spend time with me and just have conversations and I want his kisses and his cock. I am afraid of this euphoria because I'm afraid it won't last. But I am enjoying it for now.

I think he told me everything. I mean, everything that matters. I don't know, and I'm not ready to trust, but I hope. Certainly learning about the half-dozen or so other women he's fucked came as a surprise, but I'm not going to tell anyone about those because I don't think they matter. At least, right now I don't. I'm also afraid that I'm not being true to myself—what woman in her right mind could hear her husband, after talking about his lengthy affair with a woman he loves deeply, also tell of six or eight random fucks? And then end the conversation with our own hot sex? Am I crazy?

On the other hand, I don't want to talk myself into being weird just for the sake of it, or convince myself I should still feel awful. I think that the anger and pain are not gone, that they will re-emerge, and I will have to continue to deal with them. I am ready for that—not excited, of course, just ready.

But for now, I feel good.

CP

DsD lives and writes in the raw. Trapped in a cave, she tends her cubs by day and licks her wounds at night.

DsD

Armpits

It's all I can do not to make the snarky, dagger-like remarks that come to me so often. They're how I express my pain these days. I just need to inflict it on him, I think.

I should probably swallow them or write them down or wait until the heat's gone out of them, something. Then maybe ask him if he's ready to hear them.

So here's one.

Our son called his father into the bathroom tonight. "Dad, Dad, look! I'm growing hair in my armpits!"

He's four.

My husband said, "I knew Billy wanted to be like his dad, but I never realized how much."

I wanted to say, "Oh? He's having an affair?"

CP

DsD lives and writes in the raw. Trapped in a cave, she tends her cubs by day and licks her wounds at night.

DsD

maybe

Maybe he's licking her pussy right now. I'll smell his beard when I see him later. Maybe she's trying one more time to convince him to leave me for her. Maybe he's already convinced and is on his way. Maybe I'm going to throw up again.

Maybe I survived last night only to fall on my face on the sidewalk today, crying into the puddles of rain, shouting and sobbing at strangers, maybe I can get myself arrested or something, maybe nothing will ever be the same again. It hurts so much.

Maybe all I want is for him to walk in the door and fold me into his arms, and maybe I never want to see him again. Maybe I hate him and maybe I want him to fuck me hard with his dick still wet from that bitch.

Maybe I do want to kill myself to stop feeling like this, and I'm just not doing it because it's too selfish and it would really suck for my kids to have to grow up with that. I'd love to do it to him, though. Kill myself, that is; I'd love for him to live with that.

I wouldn't mess around with pills. I like blood.

CP

DsD lives and writes in the raw. Trapped in a cave, she tends her cubs by day and licks her wounds at night.

DsD

On the Phone After Work

Don't sigh at me like that!
I deserve a beer.

Of course he does.
We have beer
at home, though.

My sigh wanted
to encompass
declined credit card,
potty training, & the fact:

I deserve to be held.

CP

DsD lives and writes in the raw. Trapped in a cave, she tends her cubs by day and licks her wounds at night.

DsD

Jealousy

Like mold, it spreads its silver stench.
Rotten tendrils weaving canker
wrap around my bones. Every time
I check his pockets now, I ponder
her round handwriting.

CP

DsD lives and writes in the raw. Trapped in a cave, she tends her cubs by day and licks her wounds at night.

DsD

The Wrong Green

and I hate it,
the jealousy,
always with me,
twisting thoughts,
casting its dark rot
on my one best thing,
my love.

More than I hate her,
I despise the dank
green viscous growth
Rosemary's baby
turning into something
I don't know and can't control
but something mine.

CP

DsD lives and writes in the raw. Trapped in a cave, she tends her cubs by day and licks her wounds at night.