I came back to this buffering sky. The last sky I was under was so blue and forever and it had the most incredible clouds. This change figures; after you are in a place with such an imaginary sky, real life returns hard. You put your regular shoes on and walk that same road you left the week before. You trudge. This buffering sky is a blank white and it's hot-wet and hangs. Any definition is absent. There was rain this morning. It's a welcome back fuck you bitch, here you go again, remember this? And I say, yes I do, and my stomach hurts because there is nowhere for me to go.
I watched a lot of movies yesterday because I was sick and not feeling good and there was that buffering sky pressing down on me so movies seemed like a good answer.
I can't believe it took me this long to watch Mulholland Drive since I am such a big fan of David Lynch. I loved it. I really need to watch it again. I love his darkness. I love how he mixes ugly and beautiful. There is a truth to it. It's exactly how I think my insides look.
I'm tearing myself apart. Yesterday I peeled off all my toenails. I did it in a way that hurt really bad. I couldn't see what I was doing, I just did and now two of my toes are literally almost without nail. It hurt when I was doing it and they hurt right now. I don't know how I will wear shoes today. For the last week, I've been picking at hangnails. My fingernails all broke off last week for no reason so now my bloody hangnails framing them make my hands look disgusting. I've been paying special attention to the skin on my thumbs. I've been ripping the skin from them; not just by the nail part, but just all over them. I've peeled off layers. They look like small fish have been chewing on them. I can't stop peeling myself.
I'm also doing that thing where I can't stop masturbating. The kind where it starts 'sexual' but then it goes past that into just an act that is trying to get rid of something. I've finished and then I've wanted/needed to immediately start over and do it again even though it's too hard to do it again because I just came. But I've done it anyway, to where it's useless and sore. It's like an OCD hand-washing. There is a scene in Mulholland Drive where Naomi Watts is violently crying on a couch. At first, you can only see her face and her whole body is shaking but right away I knew she was also masturbating. I knew this. And then eventually the camera pans down and shows her rubbing herself furiously while she is crying her eyes out and I started to cry because I know.
Because I know this right now.
xTx has been published widely, both online and in print.
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