July 10, 2009


Without Words This Is

It comes so easy for some…and others, not so much…

Triple play, koo koo ka choo…stop the screaming. Mottled doves and sand crunched in toes. Fat ladies in swimsuits with beards so dark you ask yourself, “Self…is that really a beard?” and you swab sunscreen over your exposed parts and look at your flesh and smooth it on. You take out someone else’s book and read it while others lob about in the ocean. You normally would peek at strangers but this book has taken you over and you don’t care who’s screaming and if that guy made that kite and how nice her ass looks in that lime green tankini. You don’t care. You are involved….as they say. You could care less.

It’s Saturday.

Then it’s Sunday and it’s like the Beatles and their entire lives are in front of you. You haul shit over and plant it. You lie about in the sun, with your shoulders high upon your torso and the sun.

Yes…the sun.

You can’t forget it because it won’t let you. Fucking you up the ass with its heat and its rays like an unforgiving ex-husband who wants to take the kids every weekend but you won’t let him because you are a bitch like that.

Costco and church confuse you. You don’t want to talk about church but you could talk about Costco but who cares?


Miles and miles of gargantuan items screaming, “BUY ME PLEASE!”



And that shit is so desperate and you are ashamed because you hear that shit and you PAY ATTENTION to it...and you HEED it even; a fucking sheep.

You are not better than anyone.

But there I go…digressing.

Suntans and white sundresses. That girl wears that green dress so well…it’s like we are all staring at her ass and then we all admit to it. You can see her lace thong outlined through it and all I am doing is wondering, “What color is it ?” and I’m framing it over her tanned oval ass cheeks in my head like everyone else is. And I’m thinking, “How does she fuck I wonder?????”

I am not alone.

Wine and conversation. I make friends with a 58-year-old Dane named Tor. He spills wine over his crotch and I take a picture of it which he deletes.

I am not the first or the last girl to scream, “I LOVE YOU PAUL!!!” But I am not crying.

No, I am not crying.

The night is over with staring through my neighbor’s window shades as they have a dinner party. I can see them holding their new prize…a new baby. She can hold her own head up now and they stroke her back like a prize. I know this, because I’ve been there. Look at her, she is the grace of god. She is my sunshine. She is blinding. Without words this is.

Deep breaths give it all away. And a shower will take the stickiness away. Sleep to Dream takes my breath away.

And it’s over.


xTx has been published in places like Thieves Jargon, Cherry Bleeds, decomP, Dogzplot, Zygote, Laura Hird and others. She is included in the 2009 Dogzplot Anthology and has an ebook forthcoming from nonpress. She swears she will never drink again, but always does. She says nothing at www.notimetosayit.com.

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